By Shaun Jesse Kastelic, LMHC.
Did you know that children need positive self-esteem to grow emotionally, physically and spiritually? If their self-esteem is not positive, they do not feel able to try new things out, because they feel they will not succeed. A child's self-esteem does not "naturally grow", as some think.
"Self-esteem is purposefully honed, encouraged
and guided by the parent, other caring adults,
and definitely by the child's teachers.
First, developing step-by-step progressive goals in which the child will succeed is the primary thought to keep in mind. Setting goals that are too difficult or complicated for the child to attain, and then "teaching" the child to do it actually works negatively against growing the child's self-esteem.
Second, praising the child for how hard he/she tried to do it is more effective than telling the child they are smart and can accomplish anything. Telling a child that they are smart actually sets the child up for failure. Research has shown that the child who is told they are smart, will not try things they don't believe they can accomplish easily. The child will not take a chance. But the child who is told their hard work is the reason for their success will continue to try and succeed.
Things That Erode a Child's Self-Esteem
1. Trauma. Trauma can put a child in a neurological state of hypervigilence. If this is the case, the child is only concerned with surviving. This traumatic result leads to attachment disorders ( not trusting adults, and therefore not allowing a true deep bond to take place.
2. An overly critical parent or teacher. Again, if a child is not allowed and encouraged to succeed a little at a time, but forced to make huge leaps in understanding or accomplishments, and fails, the self-esteem ends up eroding the very thing the child needs the most.
3. An overly permissive parent. Yes, believe it or not, relying on the child to set his/her own parameters or rules tells the child indirectly that you do not care. A child who has no disapline for themselves fails because the parent failed to be a parent.
Other ideas which help to grow a child's self-esteem: Play Therapy! Play therapy is scientifically shown to grow a child's self-esteem. A certified play therapist has the tolls to pass on to the child, and can teach the parents how to have a 30 minute filial play therapy session with their own child. Make sure you find a licensed mental health provider to help you as a parent to learn this valuable ability. Both you and your child will benefit immensely from it.
